Betwixt and Between
by Ladyamesindy
Summary: The Alliance thinks he's been dead since Virmire. Kaidan Alenko puts his career on the line when he announces this is not the case. Commander Sian Shepard, so used to fighting on the front lines, now has to watch from the sidelines and hope for the best ... whatever the 'best' might be.


Nerves.

By nature, Sian was not prone to nervousness or bouts of anxiety. Life had taught her plenty how to hold her act together under extreme pressure. Cool. Calm. Collected. She'd learned the hard way that one had to be in control and completely aware of their surroundings at all times otherwise death was the inevitable outcome. Years before she figured out how to deal with stress in ways that were less detrimental to her personal health, if not quite beneficial.

But today, all those lessons seemed to be for naught. Anxiety rippled through her, just below the surface, in multiple and recurring waves. And the cause?

Though mutual, the decision for her to remain clear of the embassies - but within eyesight; she'd insisted on that - and allow Kaidan to face Anderson on his own was now eating away at Sian's normally unperturbed sense of calm. Despite her current association with Cerberus, she was still Commander and as such, it went against every deeply held belief she had to allow any member of her team to face things she would not, either with them or on their behalf. It was a part of who she was. She had their backs at all times, in battle or out.

But Kaidan had made a point to ask for this arrangement and Sian, albeit reluctantly, agreed. Which was why she stood now some distance away, across the waterway and pacing around the courtyard of one of the many scenic side gardens scattered throughout the Presidium. She'd considered going down to the Wards in an effort to distract herself or possibly even paying Bailey a quick visit to make certain all of the paperwork returning Kaidan to 'alive' status aboard the Citadel had cleared (Spectre authority, after all), but in the end Sian had settled for waiting within sight of the embassy.

Part of her current state could, she supposed, be accounted for by the nature of their current visit to the Citadel. Seeing as her own such visit had played out just weeks before, Sian was pretty certain she could guess how this one would turn out. Thoughts like that, though, did not help the nerves to dissipate. In fact, in that moment, they were rapidly nearing the boiling over point. Full blown adult sized butterflies the size of lumbering elcor were dodging and darting around her insides like wild varren chasing after fresh meat. It was all Sian could do to keep her stomach from giving way.

Pacing began after fifteen minutes or so of her arrival at her location. A glance across the way assured her both men were still on the balcony of the embassy office, standing casually and speaking to one another calmly enough, though she could not hear their words. No shouting. No arguing. Nothing to hint that Kaidan's reception was anything but positive. That had to be a good sign, right?

Drumming of fingers and hands against the railing began another twenty minutes later, followed soon after by the grasping of the railing with her hands and the kicking of the lowest horizontal support with her booted toe. The muted thud of armor connecting with the metal did nothing to ease the worry she was struggling through, however.

By the time she switched to standing at full height once again, her foot tapping impatiently on the floor as she turned her back to Anderson's office, arms folded across her chest and a dark enough scowl to chase away even the most imperious of C-Sec officers who had started to approach, Sian resorted to scanning the people who were wandering back and forth nearby in search for any sign of recognition or more than just a passing interest in her (there was none, which was a good thing as far as she was concerned). She was also too far gone to hear the familiar, measured footsteps that should have registered as warning. Instead, she gasped and jumped, spinning around, as a hand touched her shoulder. "Kaidan!"

Features that had been schooled into a neutral look now shifted into a hint of a smile at her reaction. "A little jumpy, aren't we?" he asked in a mild tone.

Sian's scowl darkened. "Not without just cause," she muttered.

He grunted softly in agreement while Sian straightened. "So … where to?" she asked. That neutral look had fallen back into place and she knew from experience he would not share what had happened until he wanted to, _if_ he wanted to. So why push it?

"Hungry?" he countered. "I meant it when I said I still intend to buy you to dinner."

Sian's eyes rolled as she led him away from the Presidium. "Define 'dinner,'" she replied. A quick glance over at him had her chuckling after a moment. He appeared … baffled.

"Um … food you eat of an evening?"

Sian's laughter continued. "Sorry - I meant how formal. Sit down? Take away? What?"

"Ah." He was quiet for a moment, then returned, "Whatever you want."

Sian's smile widened into a full blown grin as she led the way, a momentary bounce in her step in sharp contrast to the jittery nerves of just a few minutes before. "I was hoping you'd say that."

She led him deep into the Wards, a specific place in mind. She never would have known about it if Kasumi hadn't showed her during one of their earlier visits, but once found it had become a favorite. A place easy to hide among the crowds that seemed to favor it. And the food ….

It was obvious that he spotted their likely destination when his feet began to slow which caused her to slow to a halt beside him just a few feet away. "A noodle stand?" His eyes found hers. "Are you serious?"

Sian nodded. "Very. Kasumi introduced me to this place. Trust me, Kaidan, the food is excellent."

She finished leading the way, deftly weaving them through the crowds surrounding the counter, until finding them a place in the back and away from the main flow of foot traffic. From that point it was a few more minutes before she caught the cook's attention, but he acknowledged her with a nod and a smile and after another minute or two brought over some tea for them. Before he could ask what they'd like, Sian placed their order then turned to face Kaidan. Now that the ordering was done, there was business to discuss.

Kaidan must have been expecting it because he spoke even before she could open her mouth. "So."

She met his gaze. "So."

Kaidan took a slow sip of his tea before speaking again. "Anderson hasn't changed much, has he?"

Sian chuckled. "Not much, no," she agreed. "But -"

Kaidan's lips curved a bit to match hers. "There's always a 'but.'"

Sian snorted softly. "Yeah, well. He's been in that position for two years." She shrugged. "It's bound to rub off on him at some point."

Kaidan frowned. "What do you mean?"

Turning so she could rest her back against the counter, Sian stared off at the vehicular traffic passing nearby. "Politics is politics," she explained with a shrug. "People - even those with good intentions going in - inevitably get caught up in the trappings of the office."

"And you think Anderson's falling into that same trap?"

Sian shrugged again. "I'm not saying he's a hundred percent there, no," she admitted. She felt a nudge to her back as a plate was set before her and she turned around, smile widening as she inhaled the delicious aromas wafting up from the food. "Mmmm. This stuff is the best."

~ 0 ~

Kaidan couldn't help but smile at Sian's enthusiasm over the meal. Sure, the life of a soldier taught one to appreciate things such as 'real food' when opportunity was thrown in their way, but he didn't think he'd ever met anyone like her - biotic or not - who could appreciate such a wide variety of tastes. It was … refreshing.

But her vague comments about Anderson had him thinking. After his discussion with the man, it was something that had Kaidan wondering. Not that any changes were obvious - after all, he could understand the position Anderson was in, of course, and the arguments he had used against Kaidan had been sound enough. But still. When did the veil of professionalism give way to the close friendship - Anderson and Kaidan's father had both served together and still remained close friends - that Kaidan had hoped might be an influence of some sort? Apparently Kaidan had misjudged the situation, because it hadn't, or wouldn't, or at least was not going to any time in the near future. Once Kaidan realized that, he removed himself from further discussion of the topic. Anderson gave him the lay of the land, so to speak; what his options were, what he could expect as a result of his extended absence.

What Kaidan had not told Sian yet - what he was more than a little hesitant to admit to, even, because he really did not want to think such a thing - was that he did, in some small part, agree with her conclusion.

But for the moment, Kaidan pushed those thoughts aside and simply watched as Sian dove into her meal with gusto. He soon followed suit, but as their meal progressed, small talk turned back around to the inevitable conversation they needed to have.

"So, how did Anderson react?" Sian asked. "You knew him before the _Normandy_, right?"

Kaidan nodded as he swallowed a mouthful of noodles. "Yeah. He and dad served together ages ago. Anderson claims dad saved his life on some mission when he was still a green lieutenant but dad always swore it was the other way around." He shrugged. "Went about as well as I could expect, I suppose. He didn't seem surprised to see me."

Sian nodded, glancing over at him. "He wasn't with me, either," she told him. "You know what rumor mills can be like. Besides, I wouldn't put it past the Illusive Man to have allowed the fact you were still alive to slip. Especially once he knew I'd found and freed you."

"Point," he agreed.

"Did he give you the same song and dance as he did me?"

Kaidan was hesitant to agree immediately. "He … informed me that my options were limited," he allowed. "Spelled them out for me, too."

Sian nodded as she lifted her tea for a drink. "Said the same to me when I spoke with him. And when I challenged him on the Collectors, well … that sort of just broke things wide open. He told me that rumors didn't count as sources or some such bullshit even though I could give him specific details of what I found at Freedom's Progress." Sian straightened. "Also told me that if I wanted to return to the Alliance I could …."

Her voice trailed off, but she kept her eyes on his. "But?"

Another shrug. "They don't want me back," she told him bitterly. "Their 'shining star' is now tarnished."

Kaidan frowned. That did not sound like Anderson at all. "Wait - he said that to you?"

Sian's smile was rueful as she faced him fully. "Not in so many words, but I knew what he meant. It's to be expected, I suppose. Coming back from the dead? After two years gone and at the instigation of Cerberus? It doesn't matter that I had nothing to do with it other than providing a body, Kaidan," she insisted. "To the Alliance my return is a blemish on the face of the military as a whole. Things I've done in the past? Doesn't matter now."

Kaidan frowned. "Well, Anderson said something about submitting to an evaluation if I was to return -"

Sian snorted, green eyes flaring in anger as she cut him off. Leading him several steps away from the counter, she told him vehemently, "I am _NOT_ going to turn myself over for some contrived series of tests which will drag on for God knows how long when I can be out there," she threw her arm out, pointing in the general direction of traffic flow nearby, "helping in the fight against the Reapers! We've already lost two years that could have been spent preparing. But have they done anything to that end? No! If you ask me, the Alliance has taken a page out of the Council's book and -!"

Kaidan blinked. "The Council?"

"Oh, hadn't you heard? I would have figured Cerberus to be more vocal about that given their usual pro-humanity stance on issues." Sighing softly, she sought a way to explain her reference so that he would understand. "The Council didn't revoke my spectre status as long as I promised to stay out of their hair out in the far reaches of the Terminus Systems. As long as I keep my focus out there, I'm 'out of sight, out of mind,' and they can continue on with their daily existence as if the Reapers pose absolutely no threat to anyone or anything in their world."

Kaidan frowned. "And nothing is being done to actively prepare against them?"

"Exactly."

Kaidan's hand rose to rub thoughtfully at his chin. "So … let me make sure I understand this. Even _after_ you managed to defeat Saren and Sovereign and save the Citadel - and the Council itself, I might add - they still don't believe the Reapers are a viable threat?"

Sian shook her head. "Nope. Councilor Valern even had the nerve to call the idea of the Reapers a 'myth.' My report on Ilos - meeting Vigil - you'd have thought that would be convincing enough, but -"

"Vigil?"

"Sorry." She looked a bit abashed as she said it. "Now that you're back, living and breathing, it's easy to forget you weren't with me and the others during that last battle and don't share the same memories," she explained. "Vigil is a prothean VI. He was created by the last of the protheans to inform anyone who found him about the Reapers and their cycle of extinction. Apparently, the Reapers come back from dark space at 50,000 year intervals to rid the galaxy of the most advanced civilizations so that they can start all over again."

It was a lot to take in and Kaidan began shaking his head back and forth as he considered her words. _50,000 years? A cycle of extinction?_ "That's -"

"Incredible. I know, but it's the truth. Liara agreed immediately, later telling me some more specific things from her research that backed up the idea. But," Sian turned back to the counter and drank some of her tea, "the Council and the Alliance don't really want to listen. Hell, they only sent us out to 'clean up' the last pockets of geth resistance as a token sign of belief in the idea, but Anderson told me just a few weeks ago that after I died, they pretty much swept it all away under the rug. No one wants to believe we are in any danger."

"And this is why you decided to stick with Cerberus?"

Sian nodded. "For now. At least we're actively doing something to help and, hopefully, will find out more that will guide future preparations."

Turning back to face him, Sian's eyes found his. "So what's the verdict of your talk with Anderson?"

Kaidan took a long moment to think before he replied. "From everything you've told me, he pretty much offered me the same he did you. The Alliance doesn't trust me right now given I've been in Cerberus' hands for so long - and I suppose I can't really blame them for that."

He saw her sigh heavily. "As much as I'd like to blame them for _every_thing, I can't fault them for that either."

"I can return to the Alliance, submit myself to evaluation and wait and see what Command decides to do with me," he continued after a moment. "There's no telling how long that will take, though."

The green of her eyes seemed to take on a new intensity as she held his gaze. "Or?"

He almost didn't hear her, but he did see her lips frame the question. "Or … I can stay with you and your team to help," he concluded.

Her eyes widened in surprise which confused Kaidan, but he waited for her to react. "You … you'd do that?" she asked. "I mean … well, hell, Kaidan, Jack calls you 'boy scout' for a good reason, you know!"

Kaidan bit back a laugh. He had to admit, the angry young biotic had hit the nail on the head with her nickname for him. "True," he agreed. "Then again …."

~ 0 ~

_Then again …._

Sian knew from experience that Kaidan did not have many options open to him - even fewer when taking into consideration his level of personal integrity. And while she recognized his two main options - to stay with her or to go back to the Alliance - that did not mean she expected him to stay. In fact ….

"Look, Kaidan, I'm going to give you the same choice I give every new team member who joins us."

"That being?"

"That being the ultimate decision is yours to make." She managed a small smile as she shrugged her shoulders. "I may not have been given much of a choice in all of this, but I'll be damned if I'm going to _not_ give anyone who joins me the chance to walk away if they want it."

His eyes narrowed, brows darting into the shape of a V as he considered her words in the silence that followed. It was a look she recognized from past experience. "Has anyone done so yet?"

She was in mid-breath when he asked that, but as she tried to reply her voice caught. "What? No! I mean … Cerberus made these arrangements - or most of them - before I ever arrived on scene. I just don't agree to forcing people to abide by that agreement based on incomplete information."

"And yet," Kaidan pointed out quietly, "everyone has stayed. That should tell you something."

Sian snorted. "Yeah. That Cerberus has paid them a lot of money to go along on this mission."

His eyes rolled slightly. "More like the draw of working with Commander Shepard outweighs any concerns, I'd think," he murmured. "Look, Sian, I appreciate the offer of an exit, but if you will have me, I think -"

Sian's eyes widened again. "Do you really have any doubts about that?" she whispered in astonishment.

"- I'll stay with the _Normandy_ and you."

He ignored her comment, she noted, but his eyes stayed locked onto hers. "You … you're sure that's what you want?"

He nodded. "I am staying," he repeated firmly. "You need people you can trust at your side, right?"

Sian felt a smile tilt upwards. "Yes."

"And having another soldier along, one trained the same way you were, one with whom you have personal experience in battle would be of further advantage, wouldn't it?"

"Well, sure. But -"

Kaidan's hand lifted and for the first time that day, he reached out and touched her, his fingertips tracing lightly down the curve of her cheek until they came to rest beneath her chin where she felt the pressure lifting. "I want to be here, Sian. That is my choice. Okay?"

Her eyes shut, relief washing over her in waves, and she could only manage a smallish movement of her head in affirmation.

"Good," he murmured as he released his hold on her and turned back towards the counter. "Now let's finish dinner and then we can head back to the ship and start planning our next mission." He turned and crossed the few steps back, but paused when she didn't immediately follow. Glancing over at her, he tilted his head slightly, eyes and voice asking, "What?"

Forcing herself forward, Sian shook her head as she stepped over beside him. "Just … I'm really glad you're back, Kaidan."

He leaned in towards her, his voice dropping as his lips neared her ear, murmuring, "So am I."


End file.
